Do you often find yourself saying, “I can do it better or faster myself instead of asking someone else for help?”
Does the thought of asking for help make your stomach do back flips because you feel it makes you look weak?
I thought so.
Meaning, you are not alone. And for the record, I used to be this way (and I’m still very selective of who I ask for help).
In this post I’ll share a really effective exercise to help you overcome your blocks around asking for help so you can build your self confidence and feel better about it.
Why is it that women get so down on themselves around asking for help?
But they are always ready to help others? What gives?
Well, you can say you learned it, which is most likely true.
And as you know, you can unlearn anything you have learned, right?
Okay, I get that in the past you may have asked someone for help who was not willing to help you, or that someone broke your trust — but that is not a reason to never ask for help again.
Here are 15 reasons [a.k.a beliefs] I have collected from speaking with women just like you — this why they don’t ask for help:
- Everyone always fails me.
- There is no one to ask for help.
- Everyone is so busy.
- I have no friends I can trust.
- If I ask for help I am a failure.
- I am the one everyone comes to so there is no one to help me.
- I forget to ask.
- I don’t know how to ask for help.
- Anytime I ask for help I am rejected.
- Asking for help makes me look weak to my peers.
- I did it once and it backfired.
- I am not sure who to ask for help.
- When I ask I always get NO.
- I don’t want to take advantage of anyone.
- I cut myself off from everyone.
Which is it for you? Or is it something different?
Fill in the blank, sister: “I don’t ask for help because ______________________.”
Step 1: Getting Over the Fear & “Reasons”
You probably know that all change starts with stepping out of your comfort zone. So give yourself this gift right now to get rid of your roadblock around asking for help.
Do these action steps:
1. Take 5 min to just sit and do nothing. BE. Set a timer.
2. Then, read the list above again and see what is your reason for not asking for help? If it’s not listed, what is it for you?
3. Write on the top of a piece of paper your #1 reason for not for asking for help.
4. Then, draw two lines under the title and on one side list all the reasons why this statement is TRUE. Then list all the reasons why this is NOT TRUE.
5. Cross off the list on the TRUE side and put a big B.S. on it.
How did that feel? Take it in and be present with yourself.
You can do this.
Step 2: Identifying Potential Helpers
I have found that women are so wrapped up in doing it by themselves, or they feel they are not worthy of help, that they totally forget that they almost always are ready to help others. That means other are ready to help them, too.
Do these action steps:
1. Turn over your paper.
2. Make two columns.
3. On the left, do a brain dump of all the things you need help with. In the next column, list all the people you know – friends, family, peers, teachers, etc.
4. Connect the dots. Draw a line from the person to the thing or area you need help with.
Step 3: Now It’s Time to Ask
I have seen many women end up getting sick (myself included), and then they are forced into asking for help and feel even worse. It’s not a pretty picture, and it doesn’t have to be you if you can learn this skill now.
There is an art to asking for help that you can own for yourself.
When you can open up to being supported and ask from a place of power that is clear, it is so much healthier. This means you are not passive aggressive, pushy or needy. You are grounded in yourself and are able to ask clearly, even though you might even feel a bit vulnerable.
This is not victim time.
To feel safe, you must set the stage with whomever you are going to ask for help. Communicate that it is not easy for you to ask for help, and that you may be feeling a bit vulnerable.
Everyone can relate to that.
IMPORTANT: Get creative and ask whomever you are requesting for help and make sure to ask them what they would need from you in order to help you. This will put the attention on them and help you to get feedback so you best understand their needs.
Now, get the help you secretly wish for.
Now that you are clear on who and how to ask, go ahead and ask, either in person, via phone or email.
1. Take a moment to understand them, put yourself in their shoes and then choose the best mode of communication that works for them.
2. Go for it.
Be prepared for gratitude & celebration: Have your thank you’s in place of how you are going to celebrate them for supporting you.
Do this action step to seal the deal:
1. Tell me in the comments below the #1 thing you need help with. If you have someone to ask then do it, then great–let me know you are on it. If not, report back let me know how it goes. (And please share any of your tips you may have so we can all get more tools in our tool box.)
Still not feeling it around asking someone for help in your circle? Want someone who really ‘gets’ you to help you move forward? Don’t worry, I totally understand because I have been there myself.
Click here and let’s have a conversation. You and me, no strings attached. A few spots have recently opened up to work with me for those who are wanting no B.S., judgement-free help for their life, relationships and career.
Thank you so so sooooo much for reading, commenting, and sharing this helps me make a difference in the world.
Your angel of fire,