I was on the phone the other day with one of my coaching clients and I asked her what’s your biggest frustration right now. She began to say there is something at work that is bothering her and every year she has to deal with the pain that comes from it.
She added that maybe it’s not such a big deal that we don’t have to talk about it. Immediately, I felt her shrink and lose her confidence.
This issue was depleting her energy, happiness and health.
“Every year, she said, my company holds an award ceremony where they choose about 15-20 people who are the best at what they do. The winners get $5K. Every year it causes me a lot of pain, stress and even makes me sick because I’m never nominated. And I deserve to win.
Last year, I didn’t go because it’s just so painful. I couldn’t understand why my peers don’t nominate me. And it was so odd that my V.P. noticed and asked me why I wasn’t there. I want to be able to have a new attitude and go this year but it’s still hard.”
I could feel that this is a self-esteem issue - 100%.
I asked her:” why do you want to win this award?” She responded “it’s not about the money, it’s about being appreciated for all the hard work I’ve done. I deserve to win the award. I want to be acknowledged by my peers for having done a great job this year. Doesn’t hard work pay off? Why does that person get nominated and not me?”
She shared that once she was nominated. She put so much energy into it and she ended up sick and not winning the award. Yes, it’s painful to be put up against your peers, to not be nominated even though you did a good job. It brings up feelings to see them win of not being good enough.
Why not me?
This is the most painful question we can ask and an ego trap for suffering. This made me think of the episode of Mad Men when Don Draper was nominated for a Clio award. He was talking to Peggy because she was upset about not being appreciated or included in getting the award for a commercial idea she came up with. Don said 
something like, You work for me and I pay you for your work and that’s it. There’s nothing else.
Peggy totally felt like my client, Why not me? And this was back in the 60’s when woman were not recognized at all. Awards don’t matter, who we are as people matters, and still we feel like crap when we are not included.
Have a situation that you have put your self worth in someone else’s hands?
A job? A relationship? A raise? What this does is create separation. Whenever we look outside for our self worth, we will feel bad about ourselves. It can make us sick and not want to do anything anymore. Our bodies begin to contract, shoulders fall forward and we feel disconnected.
It’s crucial to catch ourselves before we do this; so that we can re-frame and see that we are loved, appreciated and worthy of just being alive. No one or thing defines this!
One really important note about awards – they’re all created from nothing. You can create one just like Alfred Nobel the creator of TNT, who felt guilty for his creation causing death to so many people. He had to give back to humanity and left all his money to this cause creating one of the most prestigious awards for humanity. Not only did he create a buzz but he turned his legacy around focusing on the good.
Awards are PR generators, buzz makers and even the award shows you watch on TV are all planned out. The actors get paid a small sum that is usually donated to their chosen cause. There are no surprises. Not to burst the bubble here but I feel it’s necessary.
“You are not your job, awards, title, car, house or income they don’t define you.”
And if you have been living this way then here is your wake up call. I’ve been there dressed in over $10K of clothing and feel like crap inside. It’s a false sense of self-esteem. It goes away fast because there is no foundation of self worth beyond the materialism. Just being born is an award and no one can give or take this from you, unless you give it to them.
It’s your choice.
I also asked my client:”is it true that you are not appreciated?” She said yes. I said: “you get paid, have a job, can take time off when you need it for your health and no one bothers you.”
Is it still true that you are not appreciated? Has anyone told you your job is on the line? Sort of, they tell me they appreciate me but why don’t they nominate me?
That I cannot answer, but I do know that she has been putting her value in someone else’s hands. I suggested, if she can go to the event and really be happy for the other people and not compare herself to them then go. If not, don’t.
There is no right or wrong way but there is a choice to feel good and that is the best way.
I asked her one more time to look at what she does at her job and what she gets in exchange and is it absolutely true that you are not appreciated.
She said: “no it is not true.” Bingo!
But what will give you REAL self worth is YOU loving who you are minus your titles or material things.
Do YOU, surround yourself with people who love you for you not for what you do. This need to be appreciated by others will not go away but stop wasting your time wanting people to fill your self esteem tank.
Oh, and I told my client to get herself an award. She was so excited and said I’ll get one and put it on my desk. She shifted inside and could see that she can appreciate herself and keep her self esteem tank full.
The bottom line is that it’s our own responsibility to keep ourselves feeling good – no one else is in charge of this. And if you are doing this then you want to catch yourself and turn it around.
15 Ways To Boost Your Self Esteem Immediately:
[Choose 3 ways you can fill your self esteem tank up + take action.]
- Look into the mirror and say: I love you ___________ [insert your name] .I did this for years thanks to Louise Hay and cried every time I did it.
- Create a fertile environment that supports you. Are you hanging around people who beat you down? Don’t tell them your dreams and stay away.
- Celebrate your own successes every day! Write down 5 things you do every day from the simple to the amazing.
- Celebrate others successes for real and see there is enough for all of us.
- Sign up to do service for a cause to help people who really need it.
- Call your cell phone and leave a message saying how awesome you are and how much you appreciate yourself.
- Pay attention to the compliments you get and write them down. Then review them to see you matter.
- Give compliments to people around you that you mean.
- Donate money to a cause you love and help someone else.
- Take a media break. Stop reading the paper, watching T.V. and caring about what others are doing. This will help with your comparison addiction.
- When you compare yourself, stop and find something you can love about yourself.
- When you get a compliment take it in and say thank you, nothing else.
- Sit with a friend and tell them what you love and appreciate about them. Then have them do the same for you.
- If you have any emails, letters or cards from people who appreciate you keep them nearby and read them when your tank is empty.
- Create or buy your own award and give it to someone you love + one to yourself.
Put this to the test + let me know how it goes.
Your Angel of fire,
This is wonderful Hilliary, it’s so easy to compare ourselves in a situation like your friend describes. What a great reminder to not put your self worth into the hands of others, it can only truly come from within. Yes, it is nice to hear praise and be recognized for an achievement but really…not even that can give you self worth and confidence. I don’t know how many times I’ve been praised and I just sluff it off like they were patronizing me and didn’t really mean it.
If you don’t have a true sense of self worth from inside all the awards or praise will mean nothing. As you say, you have to be able to look in the mirror and say “I love you”
Laree’, I am glad you enjoyed this post. It is a tricky one but the first step is awareness. Take the praise like you deserve it lady. Love you! xo
Thanks, Hillary, for this post…I had to really deal with # 2 since I started my own business. I have (or had) a few people in my life that put me down;told me that my business would fail even before I started. I really had to say goodbye to some old friends. It was painful at first, but now, I see how strong I am and that I am obsessed wtih my calling. I know I am on to something great. This really helped my self-esteem. I can honestly say that I can look in the mirror now and say I LOVE YOU.It is still a work in progress, but I agree with you. Self worth really comes from within. xx
You are welcome Lisa! I have been there and totally understand. It is important to keep your circle tight and loving. Danielle Laporte shared that you want to create a culture of YES. Keep your tank full. xo
Hay Hillary,
This is right and I know all this and what the others think about me is not my problem and don’t cause me unhappy. The problem is when we don’t believe on us! But what you say is very important to boost your self esteem!
Thank you very much.
Hey Dalbina! You are welcome and I want you to feel it in your body. Knowing it is not enough – doing it is the key. xo
Spot on!
I especially love~ “This need to be appreciated by others will not go away but stop wasting your time wanting people to fill your self esteem tank.”
Do you think this issue is more prevalent for women than men?
Great post, Hillary.:-)
Thanks Gini! I feel that both men and woman deal with it. We just have a bit more work to do based on how woman went through in history. xo
After our Skype chat and this post, I think I may be more in love with you, you gorgeous minx!
Some, great & profound insights here. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.
Thanks Genna! I love you so much and to be honest I am going to write a book on the topic inspired by our interview + this post. Super excited and on it step by step. LOVE YOU!
Great post, Hilary. Loved what you said about awards and how important it is for us to fill our own self-esteem accounts and not rely on others to do that for us. Great way to put the power where it belongs!
Thank you!
Sue Ann
Thanks Sue Ann! It is so important to experience this from within. And know that we will have many opportunities to play with it. Your welcome!
Luv this, Hill!
Reminds me of interviews with famous movie stars or singers that have won prestigious awards and use them as door stops and such. I always thought that was cool. I bet that the more we stop being driven by human praise we are then more apt to focus on what we are naturally good at and drawn to.
Thanks Kelly! Yes, it is funny how they end up as door stops or paper weights. Who we are is really all that matters really.
Just loved this!
Thank you for sharing this and for all of the wonderful suggestions.
There is enough for all of us has been something I have been working with and it is so powerful.
Awesome Hannah! There is enough and we are enough but we have to be reminded that’s it. Keep it up lady.
Hi Hillary!
Wow, this is a great topic. I certainly have felt this way myself, and it’s amazing to see how easy it is to get caught in that place of giving others so much control over my self esteem.
Definitely not what I want to be doing!
Thanks for this article and the tips to start moving toward a deeper love for myself and to keep myself feeling good.
Hey Jess! It is a hot one for sure. Keep feeling good and filling that tank. xo
Hillary, the number 1 thing on your 15 Self Esteem List is something I’ve never done before. I hopped up and did it right after I read it.
Looking in the mirror, I said to myself, “I love you, Melody.” (okay, it felt so good I did it a few times!)
Gives me goosebumbs just writing it here, too.
Thank you so much for a beautiful post.
Melody, I love that you did #1 and it made you feel so good. Keep it up lady it’s powerful stuff. Want to go deeper do it in the buff.
Hay Hillary,
I come back here to say you how I am gratefull for thse way! I had read it again and pay atention and I am practicing them and realy it is the way.
Thank you very much.
Beautiful post Hillary. I have recently hit a major change with this stuff. I relate to your client. I am so over depending on others to define my value! It’s becoming a distant memory. It’s funny…bc there have been other obstacles that I have moved through, and now I actually look back fondly at the rocky parts. Feeling blessed to have gone through the difficult moments. Almost longing for them. This, too, is one of my rockier paths. And it will be one I look back on fondly. I feel so happy that I am really…I mean REALLY done with seeking approval from others. It was a nasty habit! But I’m breakin free now baby!
Thank you Alison! The difficult moments when navigated with awareness always give us nuggets to grow. Glad that you broke free and are able to see the gift in it.
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