I’m about to head out this weekend to celebrate 7 yrs
of marriage with my Hubby, Asaf. OMG! We made it
past the so called “7 yr itch” and are going to unplug
and celebrate in Oregon. It’s pretty amazing we made it…
How long was or is your longest LOVE relationship?
Have you jumped ship when it got tough, or decided
to stay in for whatever reason and then it got even
better or YOU ended it because your karma was done?
There’s no right or wrong here.
I’ve been in ALL of those places and a year ago was on the verge of ending my marriage; I’m glad
Relationships are where we grow as spirit and as a person.
They are the best spiritual opportunities if you decide you want them to be. Keyword here is DECIDE. Let’s say for argument’s sake, you are in the boat of seeing relationships from a spiritual lens. You’re open, even a little bit, to grow from your relationships.
As a student of life myself, I have a P.h.D. in street smarts, and have made many many many mistakes and happy to say some of them I’m glad I did not repeat. Amen!
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” - Lao Tzu Yes, click to tweet…
I’ve learned a lifetime of lessons in my marriage and here’s the Top Soulful 7 Things I found worked even when I wanted to throw in the towel. These will help you, when put into action, in pretty much any relationship you have going on in your life, career or business. READY?
1. We are ALL free.
I hear so much about FREEDOM these days and am going to back to my roots of Tantra Yoga. My sweet teacher Douglas Brooks taught me, we are all born free and we all have the freedom to make the choices we make that bind us. This binding actually gives us freedom. When we make choices from fear, lack or doubt it can come back to bite us on the ass.
As a married couple we were both free to say YES to getting married, to sharing our deepest darkest secrets and not always looking good. He was free to be by my side or not when I was having a huge growth period for my soul. I was a pain to be around.
I was pretty much crying my eyes out all the time with snot out f my nose coming down my face while facing my deepest fear of abandonment.
He was there and stayed right by my side. AND He could’ve left if he wanted to.
We are free to stay in or not stay in relationship. Free to feel the way we do. Eat what we want. Free to be who we are, like what we like or not like it. Understanding this and living it is another thing. Every day I remind myself of this to be a better wife, friend and person.
This leads me to #2…
What about you? Are you wanting freedom and hating the choices you made?
2. Controlling someone else does not work.
This is a theme for many of us. It’s good to channel those tendencies around eating sugar or working out but not on another person.
I find this comes up because many of us are not comfortable with uncertainty and our ego gets supercharged to save the day and control everything. EXHAUSTING. When we live from the place we are all free this one does not come up as much.
I remember many painful moments over the past 7 yrs where it got HEATED, we are really passionate people, in our relationship and if I just backed off from being a control freak it would’ve been so much easier. When I stopped controlling what he does boy life is better. (Psst… I’m still a work in progress.)
This one is/was my biggest LESSON to learn. What about you?
3. There will be good times + challenging ones and everything in between.
I know this one may seem obvious and we also forget it. At the start of at pretty much any new thing, relationship or project there are bubbles of excitement. It’s sexy. There is a rush of newness + it’s a real high.
No duh you are probably thinking. Hang on…
My hubby and I have been through a lot to name a few milestones. We moved from a tight one bedroom apartment to our dream house, being away from each other too long stressed our marriage and he had a big life scare a few years back that changed his career path. The good that came from the life threatening moment was we both decided we were going to only do work we love + not for the money – even when times get challenging.
This was HUGE.
There were times we wanted to end it. Times we were in bliss. Times we had to be good with not agreeing. No matter what, we are in it and ride the waves together. This leads me to #4.
What about you? How do you handle the challenging times in your life?
4. It’s all about perspective.
Amen to that one! Life’s challenges are just as divine as the moments of deep bliss. This may be new for you and when you get it and practice it things change. It’s a decision you make to increase your tolerance for it all. YES ALL OF IT then it becomes neutral without any resistance.
I would get upset at his not helping with things like food shopping, cooking or taking care of the house. Nothing new really in the world of marriage. I remember sending him to do the shopping and it was a disaster. He hated it and that was the last time that happened.
I loved it and saw this was my contribution to our relationship. We both contribute to the relationship and we are open about it. Now I can express my feminine as a way to nourish and bring love into our home.
Where can you shift your perspective to make your relationship better? Where are you contributing that you are complaining about?
5. Ask what the other person needs.
Oh, this one I have to give props to Mr. Tony Robbins for this one. It shifted everything for us. Focusing on what the other person needs is so much fun. Having both parties focused on this rocks. No, really it does. We are not taught this.
I hear all the time from clients, but he does not do this or that for me. Then I say, what about you, what do they need that you are not doing? OUCH.
For us, we both were looking at what the other person was not doing and holding back. It created conflict and hurt. Once we talked about it we both saw the other person and it was way easier to be there for them without guessing what they needed. He needs to have my full attention and I need to hear I look hot. It’s just how it is.
As much as I’m intuitive and psychic I could not read his mind. Asking with care what they other person needs and delivering this with love, even if it’s not your thing, works. Then you can get clear on your needs, where you can meet them and where you’d like your partner to do the same.
Are you are excited as I am about this one? Try it…
6. Listen. Listen. Listen. (and own your sh*t)
Thank you to the therapist who introduced us to the Imago Technique. This was huge for us. (One side note, I love therapy for couples, it works. I love coaching for the individual and sometimes therapy is needed.) Neither of us were listening to each other a few years ago.
We would talk over one another, cut each other off and not listen. Not pretty and painful for anyone around us really. When we learned this technique, I use this in my coaching practice, listened fully and then repeated back what we heard we both found we did not hear exactly what the other wanted to say.
It was eye-opening, heart-opening + tears were present.
We found a way to care more deeply and understand one another. Pausing. Listening. Not wanting to fix anything. Helped us to get closer. Listening and being heard is one of the deepest ways to love. 7 yrs is a long time and this was a salve that healed us.
Where can you listen more in your relationship?
7. Have Fun + Surprise them.
Ha, ha, ha! Being serious was like a religion for me. It’s a default. Aside my control issues this was one was making it harder than it needed to be. My hubby is goofy, funny and playful. When he would do something funny, I would freeze up then feel embarrassed trying to be cool. I know it’s silly.
It’s an old embarrassment wound that had to heal.
Once I started to release my inner-geek-playful-goofball and even had moment of doing interpretive dance. Not ready to share a video of this with the world quite yet. When I played it was better and just held it back. When I gave into being playful, having fun and not caring we started to feel closer.
I help lots of my clients with this one too and it’s been lots of fun to witness them crack open.
What made it even better? Adding surprise into the equation focused on his needs, what he likes really upped the game.
The best one I can remember right now is on his birthday a couple of years ago I surprised him with helicopter lessons and even though I almost threw up in the back seat it was so rewarding to do it.
Where can you loosen the serious side to bring more fun + surprise into your life?
There are many more lessons I’ve learned over these 7 yrs.
The best decision I made was to stay in my marriage, not give up and give into making it better. Rewriting the story and KICKING my feelings of ‘NOT BEING ENOUGH’ to the curb helped to create lasting change.
Are you looking at your life, relationships, career or business as NOT BEING ENOUGH? And wanting to fix it?
If so, let me know in the comments below what shift or shifts you will make. If you have improved your relationship what did you do?
Remember, we all have areas to grow and can learn from one another. Share your heart, I’m curious to know.
Thank you for reading, sharing this post on social media, commenting and being part of the fabric of this community.
Your Angel of Fire,